Don’t worry!

“Don’t worry.”

Oh, ok then. Ta Da. I didn’t realise it was this easy. All I have to do is not to worry. Bingo. I’ve got it. That’s it. Eureka. My life’s totally perfect now. Thanks for your help.

“Just stop worrying. It’s not helping.”

So whilst you’re at it, tell me precisely how and why I should not worry about having this incurable disease. After all, endometriosis is not a condition that comes with any guarantees. On the contrary, endometriosis puts my fertility at risk; endometriosis means chronic pain and fatigue; endometriosis warps my future.

“Crying will not achieve anything. You’re just upsetting yourself.”

Well, let’s clarify something: things won’t get better just because you don’t want to face my ongoing suffering; just because you’re fed up with the suffering that isn’t even yours to bear; just because you don’t want to face the brutal truth of the potential implications; just because it’s easier to marry someone for ‘the better’ rather than for the prolonged ‘worse’.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

Sure. Why not? I’ll do that. Because I really want to be at home, too tired to go out, too miserable to face people, too exhausted to face life. After all, this pain-fuelled confinement is what I want.

 “Don’t worry.”

Sure, after all, what is there to worry about.

“Tell me doctor, how long should the hot flushes continue after the last Zoladex injection and when my periods are likely to return?”

“One to two weeks.” the surgeon replies full of reassuring smiles.

‘One to two weeks’ on, hot flushes galore doesn’t settle the mind. The periods will only come back after the hot flushes stop.

My burning skin in the middle of the night is burning a hole of worry into my brain.

“Well, the surgeon knows better, but give it another one to two weeks, and let’s see what happens. Don’t worry.” GP’s reassuring voice manages to simultaneously reach my brain receptors and miss them altogether. I hear the words, but they don’t touch me.

“Shall I try not to breathe as well?” I ask. Because it’s as easy.

“Don’t worry,” say the voices of my doctors, friends, husband, family.

But please explain to me how not to obsess. Please tell me how not to think about what I don’t have, but wish for so desperately. Please show me how to make peace with the pain. Please teach me how to stop those tears from flowing in the middle of the night, when the rest of the world is asleep, their innermost wishes fulfilled. Please tell me how not to feel lonely and isolated when nobody cares about or understands my pain.

“Don’t worry.”

And who are you to tell me not to worry? Why do you preach to me about what the future shall bring? What prophetic dreams have you dreamt? How do you know that everything will be just fine?

I’m falling and there’s nobody to catch me.

∞           ∞            ∞

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What are your experiences? Be vocal. Leave a comment. Raise awareness through an open discussion. The chances are there’s somebody out there who’s also facing the complex and often unfamiliar feelings associated with living with endometriosis . The chances are they’re as confused and worried as you are.

Together, we’re stronger.

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9 Comments »

  1. Six months after my MS diagnosis I started suffering from panic attacks. Having a history of depression and anxiety disorders, I went to my psychiatrist. That’s when he told me, “I’m not going to prescribe you anything because what you can learn from this disease it that you don’t really control anything, so don’t worry so much.” I was like panic attacks? Anyone? Really?

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  2. This hits the nail on the head!
    I suffer from depression as well and I’m so sick and tired ( lol apart from the usual “sick and tired!”) of hearing try and stay positive!!! It easy to say for those lucky people who don’t have anything wrong with them.
    How could you not worry! You’ve got your family to think about and how your disease affects them, your job, your stressed because they don’t understand and the next time you have a day off May be your last because your too unreliable and then there’s financial worries and you feel like a burden!
    For all those people who say don’t worry or stay positive I’d like them to go through a day in our shoes and see how “easy” it is to not worry when their world has been turned upside down and there’s nothing you can do about it!

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    • Hi Nicole, your comment made me laugh, thanks for that.

      But you’re right, it’s hard to worry about the rest of the world when you think the rest of the world should worry about you. Do you also find it hard to explain to people how the disease affects you and how hard every day is?

      It’s even harder to somehow find sufficient inner strength to keep going. But keep going we must, worried, or not worried. Take care. I hope things will eventually get better for you. I hope that I helped just a little in letting you know you’re not alone. That the complexity of the feelings and experiences can be overwhelming and shouldn’t be underestimated.

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  3. This is exactly how I feel! Thank you! I have been on Lupron (to put me in a state of menopause for the next six months) for about six weeks now and it has me in such a fatigued state that even the most simple daily tasks are hard for me to accomplish. This week I have been in excruciating pain and found out that I have a cyst on my right ovary. My ovaries should not be doing anything due to the Lupron. Feeling very discouraged, I talked to my doctor who tells me not to worry. Gee. Thanks. Maybe I just wanted someone to say “That sucks. I’m so sorry. Why don’t you take a couple of days and rest?” But no. We are supposed to take it with a smile. Be strong about it. And not worry.

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    • Oh dear. It sounds like hard work for you. I’m hearing a lot of frustration. I experienced a very high level of fatigue when on Zoladex. I’m sorry to hear that you seem to have a similar experience. My doctors often made me feel like it was ‘nothing’ but my experiences were far from nothing, as I’m sure are yours. If you have a broke leg it’s there for everybody to see. If you’re ‘broken’ inside, it’s much harder to explain. Thanks for sharing! What helped me was to make lists of symptoms and worries and questions and asking the doctor I’d it’d be ok to go through them. But I found nothing to help with the fatigue other than an awful lot of rest. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself.

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